How to navigate the long haul of carer support
How to navigate the long haul of carer support and recover from chronic stress (a personal story).
The role of the carer is often diminished or dismissed but those of us who are living this experience understand that your capacity will be stretched in ways that are challenging and the sense of aloneness and depletion of all reserves are difficult to navigate. I’d like to share my personal story as a caregiver and hope that it offers practice support and a sense of hope.
During the 2020 lockdown, I found myself taking on the role of critical caregiver as a beloved family member’s physical and mental health plummeted very quickly. The alarming decline of a loved ones health and wellbeing and the rapid need to adjust to the role of critical caregiver is one that can leave us reeling as we struggle to adapt and find solid ground. As we respond to the elevated, intense needs and the quick response times necessary to take on this role our nervous system rises to the occasion to provide as much adrenaline cortisol and energy necessary in the short term..
So what happens when this critical carer role becomes a long term proposition as was my own experience? The adrenaline and cortisol that served so well in the short term (acute stress response) cannot sustain a high level of production over a sustained period so the slow decline into chronic stress begins to infiltrate our bodies, hearts and minds.
Here are some of the most common symptoms experienced when the acute stress response becomes a chronic daily grind in the carers realm:
Chronic pain and aches - the prolonged or exaggerated stress response may perpetuate cortisol dysfunction causing widespread inflammation
Exhaustion - that feeling of having nothing left in the tank can show up in our physical state and mental/emotional capacity
Insomnia or sleepiness
Unfocused or scattered thinking and brain fog
Changes in appetite and poor digestion
Changes in the immune system - increased illness or chronic low grade symptoms|
Headaches, dizziness
Chronic muscle tension - this can be experienced as a bracing like - clenched jaw, tight shoulders, tension in arms, hands, tightness around eyes and along the spine
Changes in weight - Elevated cortisol levels create physiological changes that help to replenish the body's energy stores that are depleted during the stress response but contribute to the buildup of fat tissue and to weight gain
High blood pressure/changes to blood pressure
Increase in anxiety, depression sometimes accompanied by panic attacks
A deep sense of sadness, loss and hopelessness
In a desperate attempt to mitigate the impacts of chronic stress, it is easy to slip into habitual use of alcohol, nicotine, drug use, poor dietary choices and other compulsive behaviours such as gambling. I say this with deep compassion as I understand the temptation to numb the discomfort was often present for me.
After 9 months of critical care for my loved one, the changes in my overall wellbeing were becoming harder to manage alongside navigating the complex care requirements. It is easy to see how we feel the need to sacrifice our own health because our instincts to care for our loved one becomes the primary and often only focus. My diminishing levels of energy and vitality translated to a depleted sense of giving from an empty cup. My capacity to hold a loving and compassionate space also began to wane.
Thankfully the messengers of my body, mind and heart were speaking very loudly to me (poor sleep, deep muscle tension, headaches, irritability, isolating behaviour, poor digestion) and I finally reached the point where I needed to pause and reflect. The body speaks to us in the only way it can sometimes and I felt a sense of relief that I was able to listen. It was ironic that I had built a practice around restorative wellbeing, yet through my carer role, I was unable to engage in my own tools! Bringing this into my awareness began to shine a light internally, just a glimmer of compassion for myself instead of the constant state of self blame and judgement, offering an opportunity to begin my healing journey.
I found it helpful to view my nervous system as a car that initially had been going 160 km an hour and pinpointing every possible danger, swerving, adapting and unable to stop. As time went on I started to notice although my vehicle was still “on”, I was no longer able to operate at high speeds, or could do so in bursts and then splutter along the road. I could no longer discern between actual life threats and natural bumps in the road so my perception to situations could be “off” as my nervous system had started to see threat everywhere and I had lost my internal connection to the engine.
Slowly, I began to incorporate simple, sustainable and flexible restorative and self care breaks to hold the hand of my “chronic caregiver”. You see, restorative practices offer a vital anchor for a depleted nervous system to reset. Restorative practices provide a pause, a slowing down, a softening of focus similar and where we can:
Reconnect to our sore bodies and offer gentle movement or touch
Return to our breath and offer simple (2 min) practices to decrease panic and overwhelm or build up vitality and energy
Re-engage with nature simply by listening to nature sounds, letting in sunlight and the seasonal changes
Remembering simple things that bring joy - listening to music, lighting a candle, holding a loved ones hand, feeling the warm gaze of a loving pet
Become curious around our thoughts and responses rather than reacting
Notice opportunities to reach out to others and ask for the type of help we need
I made a list of 5 things that felt easy for me to do daily and a commitment to offer myself a break if I didn’t achieve them. My initial list was:
Wake up five minutes earlier and simply welcome my body and breath as it was. As I connected with my breath I welcomed my bodies messengers (pain, discomfort, tiredness) and a commitment to remember my body during the day and pause for a moment if I needed.
Turn off my social media feed (I didn’t miss it!) I was spending so much time scrolling when I could have been resting - simply meaning having time without my screen to let my thoughts wander in and listen to them rather than have them wake me up at 2 am.
A yoga nidra practice of 10 mins per day
Take in nature from my window and consider if I had time for a walk - usually I did
Eating what my body needed rather than what I was craving to stay alert. Decreasing my sugar intake and coffee made a big difference and I made a commitment to return to my nourishing eating habits as often as I could.
I slowly turned a corner, I began to find a pace where I could stay with myself as I was providing care for my loved one..My list changed according to the levels of care needed externally but I never let go of my inner carers hand, and I continue to listen.
Making the compassionate decision to hold the hand of your “chronic carer” as you navigate the complexity and demands of your role can be daunting. I found that making a simple list or asking questions created a clearer picture of what support is necessary right now. Here are some examples to consider:
Small practices often - several 2 min practices can offer a pause to your nervous system and also build flexibility and resilience to adapt to stressful situations. Consider a simple breath practice or grounding practice to start your day. The consistency of gravity and breath - they never leave us
How much time to do I spend on things compulsively that may not offer any reprieve or support? How much online content leaves you bracing, outraged, frustrated or wishing for someone else’s life? Am I overdoing things at home that are not necessary right now? Am I taking on extra work when I need to say no? Spend some time considering what a decluttering could look likes?
Seek professional help if you can access or have financial capacity. I found the most wonderful, attuned and compassionate body worker who offered support and gave me space to cry without judgement. My tired aching body still thanks her to this day.
Are there times when I can have a break and rest? Caregiving roles are tiring and often time consuming and sometimes we can miss the moment when we can pause and step back - cast a curious eye over your day and see what it reveals.
Am I taking on too much and allowing too little for the other. This was an interesting one for me personally as I noticed myself habitually overdoing rather than allowing my recovering loved one space to take wobbly steps and begin to reemerge into their life. This was at times painful to witness but ultimately necessary and I needed support from others to navigate this. Take time to assess and reassess with fresh eyes and support from a specialist or trusted calm and capable loved one.
Join a support group for carers. There is nothing like the feeling of being understood and supported by others who share your experience - this strengthens the necessary human connections needed recover from chronic stress - we simply can’t do it alone.
Consider what sort of care you need from others - what is helpful and what is unhelpful when I am overwhelmed and exhausted? For me, too much talking and someone trying to fix the situation only made it worse - often what I needed first was for someone to let me know they were listening and hold my hand. From there I became better at asking for what I needed rather than allowing someone to “take over”.
Small acts of self compassion to allow space for suffering. Rather than pushing through and letting the pain and discomfort build, consider a short self compassion exercise to make space for your experience rather than dismissing or critiquing.
Rest & Restore is the perfect place to begin to reset and discover tools and practices to support recovery from carer’s chronic stress and burnout. In fact, you’ll find that most of our experienced practitioners, therapists and staff have walked this journey, navigating their way through the ups and downs of recovering from chronic stress. We also offer:
Helpful sessions to develop your own Wellbeing Toolkit and ways to keep it simple and flexible so you can befriend your tired system and ease your way back into balance.
A backdrop of nature and 4 hour forest immersion session to reconnect with the healing balm of nature
Restorative classes in Yoga, Qigong, Sound Healing, Mindful movement and Pilates
Art spaces to explore and reconnect with your soul
Journalling opportunities to reignite your inner healer
Nourishing food and loads of wonderful hydration ideas for your body
Most of all we offer rest, nurturing connections and space to consider what your “Carer” needs.
Written by Allison Casas, Our Restorative Program Support
https://resetwellness.me/